An ending.

I had dinner with Rachel last night.

It was a celebration.

I took her out to a very nice restaurant around the corner from this apartment I'm hoping to rent, and over desert (which was a warm chocolate brownie covered in peppermint ice cream) I decided to let her know what we were celebrating.

"I went to City Hall this morning..."

She barely paused while reaching for another spoonful of brownie. Then she glanced up. "You filed?"

"Yup."

"So, you took me out to celebrate our divorce?"

"Yup."

I gave her the papers then.

There is a waiver for her to sign so that things go smoothly and the process is accelerated. She seemed happy to handle her end of things. Not surprisingly there wasn't an ounce of sentimentality, remorse, or culpability. She seemed eager, as always, to blame me for everything that had happened. I didn't feel like taking it, though. I called her out; let the anger and hurt take over as I listed out her bad behavior. We walked back to our neighborhood together in silence; going our separate ways with a briefly cold 'goodbye'.

I mourn the loss of my story. And I celebrate a new beginning in my life.

Amends

I thought it was interesting that this morning my mom came to me and offered me her hand, which I took. She smiled and then sat on the chair across from me. "I was just on the phone and someone told me that I should make amends with people who I've hurt." And then she sat there.
And I sat there.
I realized that, although it seemed as though she was apologizing to me, she hadn't. After waiting for a moment I restated for clarification, "So, this was something your friend told you?"
Yes, she said.

A friend pointed out that she may have actually been hinting at having me apologize to her which hadn't even occurred to me at the time.

A practical ending.

I had a sobering realization this morning.

I was thinking about this dark funk I've been going through and realizing viscerally that it is my way of holding on to Rachel.

Most of the time we were together I was feeling like shit about myself. I was filled with self-doubt and recrimination because I was never happy about the way I was with her. But what would happen is that she would always pull me out of that. She would be there for me letting me know she loved me and that I was ok, that things would be ok. She kept us together over the years because she wouldn't give up on the two of us.

Now that she is out of my life I find myself back in those dark sad places where I am beating myself up for not being good enough and I'm reaching out in desperation for consolation that simply isn't there any more. That was what we did. That was how we were together. Now it is time for me to be able to give that to myself. I see now how I have to be strong for me. How letting go of my broken relationship means letting go of my attachment to these negative feelings about myself. How letting go of Rachel also means not looking to others for my sense of self worth. I see that my readiness to give over to these feelings of crapitude are a way of holding on to the brokeness of what we had and a way of reaching out to her.

One of the things I find interesting about this is its practical application. That letting go of that relationship also means letting go of fucked up feelings about myself. I hope this context will help me be clear with myself about how to move forward.

Love to you.

What would I teach if I could chuck wood?

I think I finally figured out why it isn't a good idea to sleep with someone on the first date.

I've never really cared about what people thought of me and I haven't ever thought much of the idea holding off for that purpose. I just figured: if you feel it you feel it. And there was a time when it didn't matter to me; I could give myself to someone very honestly and be able to pull away when I had to without worrying about the consequences. But I don't feel that way anymore and it hurts.

I met a girl. We fucked like porn stars and it was good for a little less than a week. To my eyes she seemed like she would be a perfect partner for me in a lot of ways. I was so thrilled to have someone feel something for me, so excited to feel wanted again after more than a year of loving someone who didn't want me anymore, that I fell for this girl. I found myself thrown into a tail spin as soon as things didn't seem like they were working out. She was dissatisfied with me. I had done something to offend her. She was hostile. The feelings that had me feeling so fantastic were withdrawn in what seemed like and instant and I was falling back down that black hole again. Whirling and spinning into the darkness of self doubt and low self esteem.

I realized that it wasn't my fault I had fallen for this woman despite it becoming crystal clear after just a couple weeks that we weren't right for each other. I had used our physical connection (which was undeniably smokin' hot) as an indication of some kind of deeper bond. It drew together the disparate elements of her life which seemed as though they should, in theory, mark her as someone I would get along great with. But it was a fiction, as I found out. I had fooled myself into believing there was something there when there wasn't and in my love deprived state I was desperate to keep my mouth placed firm and unmoving on that font of sweet nectar. But, as seems to happen always, as we reach out to tighten our grip on that which we think we want, it flies away that much farther that much faster and is gone.

I understand now that in the state I'm in the last thing I need to do is to sleep with someone I barely know just because there is a sexual connection because it is very likely I'll extrapolate from imperfect information and set myself up to be hurt by someone I don't really know. For many, I know, this is self-evident; an understanding that has been commonplace to them for as long as they can remember. But, for me, this is news. It is a revelation and in no small part because I'm not the person I once was. No longer callous and arrogant, but aware of my mortality and vulnerability.

A broken heart hurts. That is all. You may go about your business now.

Just another bad morning.

Yea. Just another bad morning. If I could give myself a lobotomy I would. I fully understand a movie like Eternal Sunshine. If there was some way I could just shut out my memories of her maybe I could feel capable of moving on with my life. Right now I feel emotionally crippled and I don't know what I'm going to do to get over it except work through this. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

An ending.

There is a Brian Eno song called "An Ending" that is part of the soundtrack to the brilliant zombie movie 28 Days Later.

The protagonists walk across a devastated post-apocalyptic landscape while Eno's synth howls and wails in a broad echoing embrace. There is no real hope for the future and little that surrounds them they can count on for help.

I imagined Rachel and I together in that place. We would survive even through to the end of the world, still holding on to each other when everything else fell away.

I find it somewhat sad and ironic now when I think of that world as a metaphor for what our relationship had become. It was not something that had happened to us and which we transcended through our faith in each other, but an empty lifeless world we had created for our selves. It was an unsustaining and unsustainable tableau which cried through the sound of Brian Eno's music; mourning the remains of a love that never had the chance to bloom before it disintegrated into a mockery of itself.

Of course, the movie does have a happy ending; so I suppose there is always hope.

believe.

"I miss you."

"You can't say that I'm hardening my heart against you."

That was the first time I had heard from her in almost a week. I've been getting a lot of reflection from my friends helping me to see how fucked up things have become with Rachel. Trying to convince myself that she has treated me poorly and will continue to. But I still believe there is something there worth saving. I don't know how to explain it. I may be completely wrong. I probably am. But I still believe. I tried to fight that belief.

I made the assumption that she was calling just because she was lonely and not because she wanted to be with me. So I lashed out and told her I wouldn't let her break my heart again. Then topped it off today by telling her I wanted her to file for divorce.

But here is the thing. I don't want her to.

She was mad. She wrote that I should hire a lawyer. I had to call. I wanted to know if she was planning on suing me. I suppose I could have just let it go. She was upset with me. She had missed me, thought about coming back to me. My freaking out on her had turned her feelings around. Now she wanted to be done with me. We talked for an hour while I tried to calm her down. We agreed to see each other tomorrow.

There was a lot in that conversation that should convince me to leave it be. A lot. But I've never been so sure of the way I feel about someone. I do believe that what we have will work if we just give it a chance. It sounds strange, but I feel like in 6 years we never really gave it a chance. I saw things over this past 6 months that has convinced me there is something special we have together. I believe if I can just get Rachel to let it show itself to her this is going to work well. Really well.

I may be dreaming. I think most of the people I know who know about this think I am a fool and need to start taking care of myself by walking away from her. But I am stubborn. I think we have something really beautiful to share with each other.

Vicky told me that you bring to yourself what you offer the world. When I offered Rachel divorce and rejection it was what I received. I don't want either of those things. So I propose to offer love and acceptance and pray it comes back to me.