Wednesday, December 17, 2008

window to the past

I have to say, I think our minds are the oddest things. Seriously. I wrote this post little more than 2 weeks ago about how I just feel like I'm just the same dude I was when I was 6 years old and then a few days ago I had the exact opposite feeling. Fucking odd.

So, I hate facebook. I wasn't sure why, but that is another post for another time. But someone who I had not heard from for many years posted a photo of a group of us at burning man in '96. There I was, burned to a crisp, with my long dirty curly hair, painted black fingernails big bottle of booze in my hand.

Suddenly I was transported. I felt it like I had been zapped into a time machine. Just like that. It really started when the woman who posted sent me a message just saying hi. But she mentioned a motorcycle ride that we had taken together and how much she had enjoyed it. We were no item; I hadn't even kissed her, but I was hugely enamored of her at the time. Quite intimidated in fact.

But it got me to thinking about the time while I was there at the Man trying to do some tricks on the two stroke motorbike my friend had let me borrow. I had no idea at ALL of what I was doing, but I just wanted to try it. Wheelie, burn out, whatever. I was wearing no protection at all. At one point I went flying and scraped the fuck out of my arm. When I thought about it I realized how insane I was at the time. I couldn't even begin to think about doing something so dangerous now.

But it got me thinking about that time. Not too much. My memory sucks. But I could remember some of what went down during my trips to burning man and as I reviewed that dude, that guy who was out there doing that crazy shit, thinking/saying those crazy things I'm amazed. Just amazed about how fucking different I really am. I just wouldn't do most of the shit that I put myself through now. No. Fucking. Way.

Ah me. So what is it going to be? Am I the same? Am I different?

Finally

Yea. So, I'm finally done with my finals. Now I'm ready to start learning.

What a shitty semester. I did crap work. I feel like I'm just now ready to start kicking ass. I'm gonna have to figure out something to keep me focused. The last thing I want to do is start fucking off till the start of next semester.

I'm thinking of having my professor give me an assignment for me to do over break.

The Island of Misfit Toys: An optomitrist

The Island of Misfit Toys: An optomitrist

So I wrote about this a while ago. My kung fu teacher is having a hard time with this woman he is interested in and he has been asking me for advice about her. It is simply the most endearing thing I have ever experienced in my life.

We were supposed to get together at the studio tonight so I wanted to check in with him and called him up. After we got that out of the way there was the briefest of pauses. I asked him "is there something you want to tell me, sifu?" There was.

So, he needed to check in with me about the girl again. She is only texting him now. Are you interested in her? I asked him. Yes, definately. he said. So I told him to call her once a day until she responds and take her out. Make sure she knows you are interested I told him.

It is a touchy situation. He is extremely hesitant and unsure of himself. While I find this unbelievable, I also understand that if I am going to help him with this I am going to have to respect that he feels that way. I figure this woman just can't figure my sifu out cause he is being so ambiguous with her. The only way to know if there is anything there is for him to put himself out and deal with the consequences. I figure he is super strong he can handle it. She has already contacted him on her own to go out for dinner, so I figure she is interested too but just needs a stronger move from sifu.

It is interesting because I realize that I can not approach this the way that I would approach it myself. But I love having the opportunity to help out with this thing! It is really fun!

Who else needs relationship advice?!

Monday, December 1, 2008

The Treadmill

I'm really looking for some support from the universe today. I am just feeling super shitty right now. But here's the funny thing about that: it just doesn't even seem like it is based on anything in particular. There is no real reason for me to be feeling shitty about me. I know I have all the love there is just waiting right there on the other side of that horizon. But there is a veil that hangs over me. This is the Treadmill.

As I take the time to look back over my life I see that there are some pretty regular patterns of behavior that happen over and over and over again. These are the major events; relationships starting and ending for example. So it is interesting to see the way these obvious things ebb and flow. It is also interesting to see the way that feelings and self-assessments come and go. This recognition of these patterns along with this feeling of my feelings not having a whole lot of relevance to the world that is taking place around me makes me feel like I'm on some kind of a life tread mill, where I'm just running in place and not really getting anywhere. The faces change but the story stays the same.

I wonder if you have ever felt that way and if it means anything to you. Like: what do I even do with something like that? Does any of it really matter after all when you are really just going through the motions? Acting out some script that was written for you by your ancestors a million years ago as they rose out of the primordial ooze. Are we anything else besides our patterns reoccurring? If we are why should anyone even care?

Like spinning plates, the momentum of these thoughts keep them hovering in my mind with treadmill persistence.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Upset.

Paradox just told me that he is planning on moving to Austin to marry this woman he just met. I should be happy for him, but I'm really upset. I feel sad. As though I failed him. I know that is just not even appropriate for the situation and so the cycle of sadness continues to spiral downwards.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Man period.

That is the only thing I can figure. I just feel like I must be having my man period. I'm irritable, emotional, irrational. It fucking sucks.

I was riding the train home from school. There are occasionally these uniformed transit-gestapo that check to make sure you have paid to get onto the train. You have to show them your pass/transfer or else you get a ticket. One of these guys were waiting at the turnstile as I was walking out, so I got out my transfer and showed it to him. But that wasn't good enough for him, he needed to look closer to make sure that the transfer had not expired and insisted I bring the ticket to him.

Now, mind you, I find these people to be completely reprehensible. Their very presence upsets me when I'm not in an emotionally vulnerable place. I can't see them without imagining they are there to check to see if I am a Jew. Or if I'm a palestinian. Or if I have my work permit to be walking around in the white area of south africa during apartheid.

So he grabs my ticket out of my hand! I was out of my mind with anger and I started cursing him. I walked away fuming I was so mad. The attendant on duty in booth makes a point to turn on his mic as he supposedly calls the cops on me.

The worst part is that I feel terrible for blowing up at this guy. It is completely against everything I believe to let something like that get the better of me. The only thing I can figure is that I am on my man period. Fuck...

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Encouraged the Bub to vote yesterday.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Its Class War, baby, Class War...

AIG, to show how seriously they were taking the "global economic crisis" tm used their cash money for elaborate dinners and fancy meetings. The Minnesota Daily reports that "A few days after the government revealed an $85 billion bailout for the insurance company AIG, company executives decided to take a $443,000 executive retreat to Monarch Beach, Calif." The article written just yesterday (10/30/08) also points out that the intended effect of the tidal wave of taxpayer's dollars was to make it safer for banks to loan money; but that hasn't happened. Instead the world's economic system has become an amusement park ride; its volatility creating dramatic rises and falls of global stock markets and currencies.

Ha! What the fuck did you expect? Did you forget this was the final days of the Bush administration? The most corrupt shameless regime ever to pollute the white house? We should all be ashamed of ourselves, because we got fooled again. Just like all the other times we were told to worry because the sky was falling. If we didn't take immediate action yada yada yada.

It is like a broken record with these douche bags. But they keep playing this record because it works for them. They cry "wolf" and like good little robots we ask "how high?" How was it that we were so ready to lay back and take another ass fucking for the team? Knowing that Bush is getting ready to pack up and move to Dubai with the real president of the US, Dick Cheney.

Have you noticed that you don't see him any more? He is getting his nest ready in Dubai, because you know, they don't have an extradition treaty so he can avoid dealing with the war crimes as he laughs at us menacingly from his desert fortress.

But if you've read this far then thanks, I'm finally ready to get to my point. Where's the beef? Where is the accountability for the massive amounts of our money that is being thrown at these fuckers? There is none. I thought for sure that they were going to put some on the money. It is 700 BILLION DOLLARS after all.

There aren't any. As Senator Bill Nelson (d-fl) says "if you think...taxpayers will have a say in running (the banks receiving the bailout money), think again. Taxpayers won’t own voting shares in some of the very banks that got the country into the current economic mess. Thus, they’ll have no direct say."

AIG isn't lending that money out. It is hoarding it, using the cash to pay off its own debts. There are no assurances that the same institutions that have gotten us into the world's worst financial crisis in almost a century are going to use the money we've handed to them in any particular way.

This should not come to us as any surprise. This is the same administration that sent palettes of cash - billions of dollars - to Iraq where they promptly disappeared into thin air. ISN the International Relations and Security Network reports that "About US$44 billion of US taxpayer funds have been spent on reconstruction...in reality, as much as one dollar in six of this tidal wave of money is unaccounted for, according to auditors." These are not people to be trusted. They never were. Now they have just given away 700 billion dollars of our money. Welfare from crooks to crooks.

Since 2006 it is, in fact, safe to blame congress for this. Speaker Pelosi ignorantly chose to "take impeachment off the table" and these are the results. I do not have a crystal ball and so I can not imagine what would have happened if congress had attempted to impeach Bush and/or Cheney for their cornucopia of criminal activities, but it is likely they would have felt a lot more hesitant to do what they are doing now. Seriously, there is nothing like not holding someone accountable who is notoriously unwilling to accept responsibility for their mistakes and then hope they are going to act responsibly. I have no idea what it is that kept congressional democrats from moving forward with impeachment, but outside whatever logistical responsibility they have for this latest American disaster, they have a moral responsibility for the mess that has happened since the 2006 elections.

Ok robots. What do you think? We just going to hope that Mr. Obama steals back the election from the electronic machines? Are we just hoping that voters disenfranchised by republicans around the country are just going to magically have their disappeared votes reappear? Or maybe we might want to think about doing something not quite so business as usual. You let me know.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Where it is due.

Thank you.

I just wanted to let you know how much I am grateful to you for being you. You help me to see the light in myself and remind me that life is for living.

Peace.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Proof.

We were just hanging out on the street for whatever reason and Mpozi showed up. Nanaki was there too.


Second floor front room of the squat. That was the room Dox and I shared for a short while. Dave Hewitt is sitting next. Love that guy.


Dox and I on the porch of the squat in 1990. Someone should have just held me down and shaved my fucking head. Seriously. I can still smell that morning.


This is the best picture ever taken. I love these guys.


Photo shoot on Camac street before Paradox took Chrissy Chimes to her prom.

Reading the instructions

I had a long talk with Paradox about everything. We have those conversations from time to time. Usually when one or the other is going through some difficult times. Because Dox is unhappy with the progress he's made towards certain goals in his life he imagines he has to do some pretty radical things for him to feel good about the direction his life is taking. He is lonely down there in LA and his movie career hasn't taken off the way that he wanted it to. He was also dealing with a serious break up that left him feeling pretty emotionally vulnerable.

As I talked to him, I realized the problem we both have. We don't read the instructions.

For whatever reason, when we've done things throughout our lives, we just jump into things. We don't really care much for convention. We don't pay a whole lot of attention to the way that things are supposed to go or the things that are expected of us. What it takes to succeed is for us to feel like we are doing things our way. Just like Sid Vicious. For the most part we have enough natural talent to be able to get by and some times even do pretty well at the things we do. For most of our lives that has been enough for us.

But in the past few years we've decided that we want to do more with our lives. We've wanted to be more responsible and more focused on making things happen. We've wanted to pursue actual "careers"! How bizarre is that? But old habits die hard, and we've had a tough time accepting that there are rules to abide by if we're going to achieve the success we want.

A perfect example is finding out just a few days ago that I'm not going to be finished with school when I thought I was going to be. I imagined that I was going to be getting out this spring and then starting law school in the fall. But until this week I had not seen a councilor. When I finally did I found out that I needed more classes than I thought I did to be able to graduate. This means that I will effectively be unable to start law school for another 2 years. That hurts.

Similarly, I can remember when Paradox was asking me about this car he was thinking about buying when he moved to LA. It was an old car, but one that looked very cool and had a lot of style. Dox, I told him, you need to have something dependable. This is your career you're talking about. You are in LA you need a car to get around and you need to be able to show up when people need you there. But he bought the car. It was a complete piece of junk. He had gotten taken for a ride in a big way. It didn't run and it has cost him more than a couple of auditions.

Read the instructions. Its not that we're not capable. It is not some kind of flaw we have. Even if we want to break the rules, it'll help if we know what they are.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

the past

Johanna just dropped off some old pictures from decades ago. Literally. They are pictures from 20 years ago or more. I was a fucking babe! I'll post them soon.

I've been hanging out with Jo a little more than usual lately. It is nice, but I also know it is because she is having such a hard time with her marriage. I wish I could do more for her, but it is nice to be able to talk her through some of it. Things are never as bad as you think they are.

Monday, October 20, 2008

An optomitrist

So, I was a little later for my kung fu class than I should have been. My sifu and I got our times mixed up a bit. We worked out for about 30 minutes and I learned a hell of a lot just going over a few moves. It was pretty amazing.

He lives on the way to my house so he gave me a ride home and just as I was getting out the car door to leave he asked me what I thought about him dating an optometrist. "Do you think I'm in her league?" I really couldn't believe what I was hearing. Here was a guy who I have the utmost respect for; I mean seriously, I think of him as like he is a super hero. And he is asking me if I think he is good enough to hang out with some chick just because she is a doctor. I was incredulous.

After I calmed down a bit I told him not to worry. "Why is it that people respect doctors? Dedication, focus, discipline, and responsibility. You have all those things. If there is chemistry between you, that is what matters."

As I got out of the car I told him to call me if he needed any advice.

So crazy. Here's a guy who I think of as one of the strongest people I know brought to his knees over a woman.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Chinese pringles

So now I can't stop thinking about this crap.

I notice a 2 for 1 on Pringles. I like salty and crunchy snacks as much as the next guy and so I make an impulse buy. Hey its a great deal right? But I start thinking about that deal and about how good it is. Where did these dried products come from? They could have come from anywhere in the world. They probably came from China. How else can they make a profit off of selling something half price?

More and more I'm appreciating the idea that we shouldn't eat something unless it rots.

Monday, October 6, 2008

At the dinner table

At the dinner table
I've resulted in the damage of careful consideration
tampering with the right to life
and the log jam of tremendous trials
don't shirk your responsibilities
they don't have to forget
They don't have to remember
Harrowing and shallow
Deadwood and tryptophan
Creep up to the table
Creep down to the table

When and do the work

When and do the work
Its pretend toy soldiers
color inside the lines
A sign of the method

Don't rise to the occasion

Send in the clams
Half-baked and brittle
while children play with children

I've left the building

Alone in the dark
travel to the heart of your heart
It will be there
I will be there
and then
We'll cross that bridge

Sunday, October 5, 2008

China wants to kill you

I had this funny realization the other day. I was getting ready to brush my teeth and stopped for a second as I thought about the tainted milk in China. I realized that I couldn't take for granted any more (if I ever really could) that there was some kind of oversight or protection of myself or any other consumer of goods in this country. Is the world really as different as it seems?

Rachel told me that there were some "white rabbit" candies they import from China that were found to have the melanine in it. WTF?

Friday, October 3, 2008

People you wont see again

I suppose it is a mortality thing or suchlike. I was thinking about all the people who I will never see again. Probably never see again anyway. I was thinking about the people out there who were ex-girlfriends or people who I considered to be friends and hung out years ago. People who I don't see. Don't know about. Haven't talked to in years.

And then one day, pretty soon in relative terms, I'll be gone. There'll be no more chances to share a beer or have a laugh. No more opportunities to kiss and touch and smile into each others eyes. Those moments are lost; the chances wont ever get to be made.

It seems somehow unfair. No, not somehow, it is unfair. I want those opportunities. I resent the chances being pinched off by time and decrepitude. To quote Roy Battie from Blade Runner "I want more life, fucker."

Thursday, October 2, 2008

fried

Yea, I'm fried. I've been focusing really hard on the LSAT this weekend. I've told myself that I have to beat the test so that I can get a scholarship to the school that I want to. But today I've got a huge amount of doubt at even being able to get a decent score.

I'm not really stressing. I'm just a little burned out just doing problems over and over and over again. I actually feel like I could be a little more worried than I am, but I'm not going to complain about being less stressed than I ought to be.

I think I'm going to go for a run and maybe do a little kung fu to clear my head.

Rock on.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Too many people on the street.

I saw a lot of folks on the street today. Too many.

On the way to the bus there was an old man in a long wool coat arranging his cardboard as the sun was coming up, his white hair shifted by the wind. I thought to myself that he looked like a man who was due a more noble circumstance. He was actually the second man waking up and getting out of the way before the elementary school they were sleeping against opened.

Then on the bus back from school a couple sitting on the sidewalk smiling and chatting. Now, my neighborhood, the Tenderloin, is not as bad as, say, parts of Delhi perhaps, but it is dirty. Foul really. Trash and urine are an often enough occurrence. Then again a young man and woman; she with her arms around him lovingly as he reclined with elbows on the sidewalk, long legs on a side street.

I don't like seeing things like that when it feels like the fall of the roman empire. It makes me feel too close to the 3rd world. In a bad way.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Need a new bed.

I need a new bed. The one I have only seems to have wrong sides.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Men are disgusting

So, I'm on the bus and there are three dudes at the back with me all in their mid-20s and they are loud and they are talking about getting into fights and they are talking explicitly about sex in the most vulgar way you can imagine (tube sockin'...what?) demeaning women along the way.

Now we're on the bus and there are women everywhere and I am sitting next to a woman holding a baby and I'm right on the verge the entire trip of wanting to tell them to shut the fuck up. I think it was a good thing that I didn't, because I really don't like the idea of imposing some kind of morality onto other people. But I have to admit, that this situation really pushed me to that point.

There is nothing like public transportation to give you an authentic snapshot of the human condition. Guys just fucking suck.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Killing Fields

Connor is a friend from the debate team.

At a party thrown by my ex-debate partner Felix, I showed Connor my pictures from Cambodia. In particular I wanted him to see the pictures I took while I was at the memorial they had constructed at the site of the Killing Fields, one of the many spots the ruling Khemer Rogue would take people to murder them.

From Cambodia
He was so disturbed at seeing the bones of the dead he had to leave the room, saying that he had studied anatomy enough to be able to reconstruct in his mind the size and the age of some of the skulls he saw.

When you arrive, it doesn't really seem like there is much there at the memorial. A 4 story structure that is pretty enough, although, having just come from Thailand, not impressive in its grandeur.

From Cambodia
But then you get closer and you see that its four stories, spiking into the blue sky, are filled from top to bottom with human skulls. There is only so much time you can spend there. There is only so many pictures you can take. This is Asia. The theme of "safety last" can be seen here: the glass doors are open - you can walk right up to it. You are literally inches away from this monument to human cruelty, you can feel the souls of the dead still crying out for recognition. For some kind of release that may never come for them.

I thought to myself that there could not be much more here. The cynical part of me thought that this was just a way for our taxi driver to get a cheap couple bucks out of us. I guess it was just my way of distracting myself from the horror. But then I saw the graves.

It was the first time I have seen mass graves in real life. I hope that it is the last time. The whole area was pockmarked with them. Shallow indentations time had the sense to fill with grass and dragonflys. There was a sign that said "don't walk through the mass graves" They were everywhere. It being southeast Asia, there was a informality that came along with the spot. An informality that meant there were literally stacks of bones, human remains, just sitting there up against a tree.
From Cambodia


Thinking about it now, I'm still awestruck. It was a devestating place to be. Soul crushing to know that I was walking through a living artifact of human cruelty. There was something about the children at the gate that made it a little better.

From Cambodia
Shari, my sister I don't know if I have gotten around to her being there on the trip or not, had been walking ahead of me and was talking to a group of kids who were on the other side of the fence that surrounded the area. They were asking for money, but Shari had instead given them her sunglasses. So I did too. It seemed like the right thing to do. I don't know. I should have just given them some change. I miss those sunglasses...
From Cambodia


Seriously, though. All I can say is thank God for sending us those kids to take our minds off how horrifying the scene we were walking through was. All I can think of is that we need to work towards a world where things like the Killing Fields have no ground to lock onto.

The Hernandez Brothers kicked ass

Oh, shit I love Love and Rockets. I remember when I was a fucked up punk living on the street reading these comics and thinking to myself how fucking right on they were about everything they were writing about. I wanted to date Maggie so bad!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Why guns are bad.

Not really just guns. The power of life and death in any capacity should not be left to the astoundingly inept reasoning capability of the human brain.

This goes for nuclear weapons, the death penalty, and anything else you can think of.

This is because we are all raving lunatics who tenuously grasp at the straws of our existence while justifying our actions based on the arbitrary juxtaposition of sanity and the not-sane.

Hey, I'm not just talking from personal experience, although this post is definitely inspired by a personal experience I had talking to Nebish yesterday. The world is fucked up and you know it. I'm just going to explain why is all.

As I reflect upon the conversation I'm struck by the myriad conflicting emotions that were generated in my consciousness as we spoke. I was filled with admiration, love, and respect, while at the same time I felt envy, disappointment, and sadness. Creatures with this level of complexity can not be responsible for decisions that are as profound as taking a life!

I used to think that television was a bad thing. I still get upset with myself if I think I have been playing too many video games. I have changed my tune. While engaged in these mindless activities, humans are saved from having to make decisions based on the hurricane Katrina of thoughts and feelings which constantly deluge us as we sit huddled up in the bomb shelter of our minds constantly in fear that the levees are about to burst.

So I say: have another beer, puff on another fatty, pre-order grand theft auto 23, whatever you like, but please, please for everyone's safety and your own; don't make any decisions, because you, like the rest of us, are seriously incapable of knowing what the fuck you are doing.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Playing at being human for a while

I love music and I love the internet and I love file sharing.

If it wasn't for file sharing, the music I could listen to would be a handful of CDs I was sent from bands who wanted to play at the underground club I used to run (Fake Haus for those of you in the know) that are more than 10 years old. I just don't buy things. Anything. But music is such an important part of anyone's life and I'm so glad that I have been turned on to so much new good stuff lately. It is just so rewarding!

So I wanted to just say how happy I am at having found Pandora.com and seeqpod.com. Pandora is a site associated with the Music Genome Project, which is apparently attempting to cross index every song there is. So you type in a song and then it looks for songs it thinks have similar qualities and plays them for you. It is cool. I like having music suggested to me! It is far from perfect. If you want it to work best you have to give it a bit of feedback, and when I did a search for some African music (Fela Kuti and King Sunny Ade, I mean come ON!) I got a big goose egg.

Seeqpod is a trip too. I guess it searches the music you type in and sees if it can find it anywhere on the net then you can save your set lists. I really like the stuff it comes up with.

Right now I'm listening to a live recording of Jeff Buckley singing "Grace" If you have not given a listen to this poor guy you really should. He has an absolutely legendary voice - passionate and powerful. Sadly, like his father, he killed himself while he was still young.

I love music. It feels good.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Dean's List

I made it onto the Dean's List. Just got the letter in the mail. Recognition for good grades. 3.25 or better during the semester. I'm still not satisfied. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Teaching assistant

So I met with the guy who I will be TAing for this semester. I'm pretty happy about this gig. I will be the teaching assistant for a Politics of Globalization class. Should be very interesting, and right up my ally. I get full credit for the class (I haven't taken it before) but I don't have to take any of the tests, I get to grade them! Ha! Bitches!

It is interesting, because this teacher is the guy who I fucking hated at the beginning of the semester because he was completely unwilling to work around my work schedule. It was funny because he knew I was pissed at him. He actually brought it up during the meeting in a off-handed way. I thought it was interesting that he invited me to TA for him despite knowing that I thought he was irritating at times! Ha!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I'm skinny

I just got back from Kung Fu class a little while ago. I love my Kung Fu class. I highly recommend something like it on a regular basis for anyone who needs to feel better about themselves. I left that studio feeling like I was on top of the world despite the fact that my teacher (sifu) told me that I looked like I lost a shitload of weight. He said it was going to take some time to recover and in the meanwhile I was going to have to just do soft forms. I guess the trip really took a lot out of me.

I feel like it wouldn't have been so bad if I had not had to do the couch surfing thing. I am super grateful for my friends being nice enough to let me stay with them for 2 whole weeks (big shout outs to Carl, Shari, and Vicky) but it was really grueling. First to hang out in Carl's dank basement while he smoked like a chimney and then to hang out at Vicky's place with her dogs that I'm allergic to. I think I was dealing the whole time with a case of Bronchitis and the scenarios I was in just made my lungs even worse.

It all really just makes me so grateful to be back in my own space where I can just kick back and relax and be myself in an environment that suits me.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Going home?

Well, I don't really believe that you can ever go home again, because I'm a bitter old man. But I'm still really looking forward to finally sleeping in my own bed again.

I've been sleeping on couches for the past couple weeks and I'm finally going to get to be home after 2 and a half months of traveling.

I've spent the past few days at my friend Vicky's house. She is the mom of my Ex, Carly. I've been working with her for years now doing the website for her craft business. She is a real sweetheart and I feel terrible that I can't do more for her. Unfortunately her business was a bust and she is going to have to sell her house. It was another reason that it seemed like a good idea for me to come up and visit, considering she is not going to be here for much longer. Carly lives up here as well and we hang out a bunch while I'm up. Over the years we have gotten along really well. She is really sweet and supportive of me and I am very greatful for the opportunity to still have her in my life despite the difficulties it causes me from time to time. Since I have been her she has been really good about helping me sort out my thoughts about my relationship with Rachel.

It is crazy to think that I have really been on the road for the past 10 weeks, but Alex, the subletter is out tomorrow and I'm going to get a chance to just be in my own space for the first time in all that time. It is too good to be true. I'm so ready to be home. I wonder what it will feel like. I wonder what I will feel like after I have been back for a few days. I hope I feel better. I have been really off ever since I got back, I just haven't felt like my self. I have been a little sick and since I have been up here at Vicky's my allergies have been really kicking my ass. My asthma, usually non-existent, has really been kicking in during the evening, making it really hard for me to sleep. I'm so thrilled to be back in a space that is just mine. Just the way that I like it to be. Where I am comfortable and can just be without having to worry about being in someone else's space. Oh my god I'm so ready for that...

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Monkey Attack! - Malaysia

I love monkeys.

There is something inexplicably fascinating about the way their hands move and manipulate in a way that is undeniably like our own. Watching as the dexterous hands brush hair aside while grooming in a rhythmic pattern is fascinating to me. They are really not as gymnastic as you might thing either. They are really kind of clumsy when you watch them jumping around. It is obvious that they would be just as happy reclining in a monkey lounger watching monkey TV with a Banana daiquiri in their little monkey paw.

One thing that the travel guide said about monkeys was that you are not supposed to look them in the eye or show them your teeth. Either of those things tend to be signs of aggression and the monkey may take it the wrong way. Well, that is not fair! How can you not smile a big toothy smile while hanging out with monkeys!? Right?

Jump to Malaysia. Rachel, Shari and I are at the Batu caves, a massive natural cave that is also a Hindu holy site and, seriously, the only fucking thing to do in Kuala Lumpur besides shop at the gizzillion malls there are in this very westernized city. Shari hires a driver to take us there and show us around. In front of the caves is a 140 foot tall gold statue of the deity the caves are primarily dedicated to. To reach the caves you have to walk up 8 stories worth of steep stairs. Along the stairs we saw a bunch of monkeys playing and watched them for a short time.

Inside the cave was incredibly disappointing. While the vaulted ceiling was impressive and the limestone formations aesthetically pleasing, the cave actually only went back a few hundred feet. Altogether, we could travel the entire area of the space in 5 minutes once we actually climbed the stairs to it.

Oh, but did I mention there were MONKEYS!

There were monkeys everywhere. They were shameless as well. I watched as a mature male intimidated a group of Japanese tourists into dropping their coconut drink in fear and then sit contentedly and eat it as they watched from a distance. Ha! I thought. Silly Japanese tourists.

So, after it becomes clear there is nothing to do except to watch monkeys in this big cave I step up to recline back on a concrete rail. Along the rail about 4 feet away sits a mama and baby monkey. They look up to the ceiling. So I look up to the ceiling too. "What are we looking at?" As I'm standing there, leaning up against the rail I feel a tap on my shoulder. I look over my shoulder and there is the monkey who scared the Japanese tourists about 6 inches away from my face staring right into my eyes with his mouth wide open bearing his massive fangs and his hands waving over his head!!! Then I do the exact wrong thing.

I guess when it comes down to it, we are not really that far from our monkey friends. At least I behaved like an animal when I was confronted by an angry monkey who wanted to bite my face off. I jumped back got into a kung fu stance and STARED DIRECTLY INTO HIS BEADY LITTLE MONKEY EYES WHILE BEARING MY TEETH! Not surprisingly my new friend did not take well to that. He jumped off the railing onto the ground and started to advance quickly towards me while I backed off, shuffling my feet to maintain our distance. Then the monkey turns on my sister who runs away screaming. I take the opportunity to back away and calm down. Everything is fine as he jumps back to the railing to assert protection of his little monkey family.

I realize he must have thought I was muscling in on his territory and thought he would show me who was boss. With those massive fangs, as cute as Mrs. Monkey was, he can have her!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Begging Children in Dehli

Written originally July 5th.
The beggar children are what really get em more than anything. More than the trash or the stray dogs everywhere or the smell of piss or the callous disregard for the safety of pedestrians. I don't know what to do but cry. They are covered in dirt and come to you with their hands out. I feel like I'm made out of shit when I turn them away. I don't know what to do except to ask God for forgiveness because I can't make it better for them. Two kids came at me. the girl was contortionist the bot walked next to me banging a simple beat out on a drum as he wagged his head in such a way to keep a ball attached by a string attached to his hat swinging around in a circle. Mostly she was doing walkovers, but at one point she did a move that took her through the dirt on her face and when she got up and looked at me, eager for change, one cheek was covered in dust so that I could just see the heart that had been painted there.

Why did I feel it was so necessary to reject her pleas for money? Why did I send them away, saying "no, no, no" over and over again? They were so little and so young and my heart broke to see them. I cried the rest of the way back to the hotel, not understanding why things have to be this way. Why I'm so impotent to do the least bit of good in the dirty smelly world that eats its children.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Traffic Insanity in Bangalore

This place is a fucking trip. The worst is the traffic. It is Rollerball and everyone is James fucking Khan.

There are lanes painted on the asphalt, but people could give a shit about all that. Cars swerve without signaling. Motorcycles and scooters swarm like locusts everywhere. If there is the slightest gap between cars or buses or trucks it is immediately filled by a two wheeled vehicle. There are almost no official road rules. It is rare to see a stop light and even rarer to see someone stop at one.

Motorcycles and scooters are in a world of their own. I see people text messaging while they are riding or shoving their phones under their unfastened helmets to chat while navigating this internal combustion madness. Riders of bikes are required by a law only just passed to wear helmets but not their passengers. Many folks wear hard hats as helmets. For those of you who are not in the know, hard hats are not safe for cycles.

People often have their entire families on scooters. It is a common sight to see 4 people on a scooter. Little babies, women in saris riding side saddle. One thing I thought while watching all these women riding side saddle was “how do they stay on the seat?” None of the passengers are wearing helmets. And people carry anything and everything with them on a scooter or motorbike. Furniture, supplies, goats. I saw a scooter drive by with two goats wedged between the rider and his passenger.

Horns blare without cease; everywhere and always. Because there are no rules of driving to count on you have to make sure that people know where you are or else you will get run over. This means that people are constantly honking. At first it is unbearable and eventually it is just background noise. Many trucks have "horn please" painted on their rear bumper.

Being a pedestrian in this environment is an adventure in itself and the threat of immanent doom is constant. If waiting for a break in the seemingly endless stream of cars is not an option, people will just stick out their palm in a “talk to the hand” type of motion and hope that is enough to keep from getting run over by the madmen and women who are bearing down on them. I have to admit, however, that there is something exciting and entertaining at having to fend for yourself in such an environment.

The sidewalks, when they exist, are curiously antithetical to walking. They are at least a foot up from the ground and made of unevenly set blocks of thin concrete. At times they are even highter and require steps to climb up them. Some of the concrete is broken to reveal gapeing pits beneath them (usually filled with trash).

Reading Signs - HK airport supplemental 6.24/25.8

The Hong Kong airport is very pretty It is open and bright despite the torrential rain outside gusting down in sheets on the arched glass.

There is a Burger King and a Ben and Jerry's. I see them and feel disgusted at what America exports. I wonder if it is possible not to export homogenized and homogenizing crap.

But then again I don't really know what I think.

An announcement says there are storm force winds outside. I'm experiencing a sort of fugue state because of lack of sleep and screaming babies.

I find it fascinating the skeins that connect us all. Worried that 8 hours in the Singapore airport might be less than ideal I ended up talking to a pretty Indonesian woman heading to Jakarta in the hopes that she might have an idea of what there was to do in Singapore for 8 hours. Aina told me she was going to try to be a vegetarian because of a condition that was causing arthritis and that she was going home after divorcing her husband of 6 years. I found it interesting that I had been talking to a man on the plane to SF about the causes of arthritis. Her brother who was traveling with her had gone to school in Valley Forge, a town nearby Philadelphia, where I am from originally. She was planning on moving to San Francisco at the beginning of next year.

It wasn't interesting because there was some kind of "love connection" or some shit, but because here I was halfway around the world and there are a million coincidences with some stranger after a 5 minute conversation. It reminds me of Drug Store Cowboy and Matt Dillion's advice to "read the signs" like the hat on the bed. But what are the signs, and what do they mean? When there is a meeting like that, there are signs; but it is as though I'm in a foreign country and I know the signs say something but I don't know what.

I'll bet we could save ourselves a lot of trouble if we just could read the signs.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Where is my bunting?

Where’s my bunting?

I had a pretty good time around the world. I traveled a lot and had to pass through a number of different airports and customs/immigration checks. So when I finally arrived home after a month of being away from the US of A I was expecting some serious fireworks. I’m saying that I want a fucking sign that says “welcome home patriot” or something with my name. I want fucking ice cream to be served for American citizens when the get off the plane in the US. There should be a fucking brass band and it should be playing the fucking star spangled banner. Because what the fuck is it that makes the US such a great place to be? I mean besides the white women. But you know what? When I got to immigration there was one line for citizens and there was one line for foreign passports and they both seemed to be moving at the same pace. And you know when I got to that line I did not receive a complimentary massage because of my status as an American citizen. The guy behind the counter did not give me a hearty handshake and say welcome back to the land of the free, friend. No. It was just another dingy immigration check with no red, white, and blue bunting. When I was through it I had to walk along to pick up my bags just like every other country I had been through. I was not impressed.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

More bugz

It sux.

I wouldn't want to run one of these places, and I wouldn't want to stay at them either...

See, Rachel has a phobia about bugaz. I think it sux that she is so freaked out by them, but it really is a pain in the ass when she lets it get in the way of shit.

Last night I sympathized with her.

The first incident at this dive was when we were hanging outside the pub area in the evening. Rachel jumped and pointed out one of the larger roaches I have seen. This one had wings, so I knew I had to stomp on it before it took flight and she had a heart attack.

It made a loud popping sound.

No worries I thought. It was outside. It is Singapore. It has flying cockroaches.

Then we went to our room. Then the walls started crawling.

Small round bugs were crawling along the wall next to the bed. There were more than a few of them. I owe it to the valium she took before we went up that she didn't completely lose her mind. In fact the Valium was just so that she could sleep despite the bugz she had seen. Since I had moved the bed away from the wall, I figured we would be fine. We were not fine.

The next morning, I had an idea to check for bed bugz the way I had seen Shari do it before. So I pulled up the sheet. Just a corner of the sheet. There was a round flat beetle crawling right where I had pulled the sheet up. I covered it right back up, but not before Rachel had seen.

"What was that?"

"It was nothing."

"Was there something there? There was a bug wasn't there?"

Later, after she had taken off to the Singapore airport I returned to the roach motel and found the one kid who worked there who seemed like he didn't have his head completely up his ass. He told me that they had ongoing problems with insects, but that the owner had completely redone the upstairs where we stayed in an attempt to combat the invaders.

This was the reason for all the restrictions on bringing food into the space and why there were also requests for the guests not to place their sleeping bags on the beds. It also explained the owners short temper when I watched him confront a Japanese couple who were eating some dried fish snacks.

The guy was still a dick and the service sucked and the place is an overpriced dump.

I do have a bit more sympathy for the fucker.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Prince of Wales - sux0r

So, we needed to find a place to stay while we are in Singapore waiting to head back to the us of a. Everything in Singapore is booked and there is nothing cheap because everything in Singapore costs pretty much as much as anything else in the states. Enter the Prince of Wales - an Australian-run backpacker hostel situated in a part of town called Little India.

Well, "backpacker" translated into english seems to mean - dirty over crowded bar with one bathroom for 30 people. It is difficult to come to this place after having paid 50 dollars a night in Bali for a place where we lived like kings to a place costing almost as much that would be better termed the Roach Motel.

I knew not to expect much, but seriously, when we go here the bed hadn't even been made. The place is run by a bunch of teenagers, and when I asked them to take care of the mess they didn't even get around to it for an hour. This is after we have arrived at 10:30pm and they knew we were coming. Fucking lame.

I "skull" Singapore

Trip is over even though there is still some airlock time to go. Sitting at this hostel in Singapore. Singapore sucks like Kuala Lumpur sucks except it is worse because it is more expensive. At least in KL there were some good deals to be had. I really regret not doing more shopping while I was here in SE Asia. there were lots of things I could have used, but I just didn't think to do it until now and it is too late. Oh well.

I can't even believe that I wrote that last paragraph! What have I become! I'm talking about shopping!

Seriously though, why does anyone come here except to get to somewhere else? It is nothing more than another western city with not a whole lot of white people. Feh.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Ubud, Bali

So, this is just an out of time sequence entry for the sake of posting something.

We saw some Kecak last night in Ubud. It was really fun.

Ended up getting about 15 minutes of sleep and then went on this climb up one of the active volcanoes. It wasn't the really big one but it was big enough. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I was wearing fucking sandals. It ended up being fine, but I was ill prepared. The weather sucked too. It meant that the whole point of not sleeping and heading out to this place at 3 in the morning, which was to see the sunrise over the entire island, was completely invalidated. At the top of the volcano there was nothing but clouds. Supposedly they were supposed to burn away when the sun came up, but it was just grey and freezing cold. There were some monkeys though. Our guide was a nice guy. I think he felt bad that we were kind of cheated out of the this really incredible view we had suffered through this climb for. He had hyped it big time. So he showed us around the country side a little and explained to us some of Balinese culture. I'm sad to say that I was so tired couldn't even really appreciate it, although I did get some nice pictures of rice fields.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

On the River (kind of a rant really)

Pics here

So here I was just thinking about blogging and it occurred to me that if I was going to be writing about my trip then why not write about what is happening right now. We are on the water on this house boat that we rented for the day. I can’t believe we are even here right now. It is so very nice. We’re just moving slowly along the water past houses that are right on the water. Some houses are little shacks and others are nice solid houses put together quite solidly and painted bright colors. There are house boats meandering past all the time. Clothes are hung up to dry. The preferred method of laundry is to bash your clothes against a rock. Then I also started thinking that there was really no reason for me to blog about what was going down here just because there really is nothing going on here. It is just the nicest ride along the river you will ever experience. Now here are some kids playing soccer. Playing around trees. A man walking along with an umbrella. Here is a ship named Mother Mary with a bunch of men waving saying hello. There is nothing to tell but I just saw another house boat pass by or I saw another boat with folks taking a Sunday trip waving and saying hello, very excitedly I must say. Here we are in what seems to be some sort of resort type of area. Just because there are a few houseboats docked here. Now a place called The Krishna beaten Rice Mill and another convenience store. Yes, I do understand what they mean when they say it becomes clear why there are so many convenience store owners who are Indian in the US and that is because there are “convenience” stores everywhere here. No matter where you are there is a little run down shop that sells snacks and odds and ends. Now we are making a U=turn. The crew are looking down the river at something that I don’t se. It is getting close to 6 which is when boats have to stop running, so perhaps we are coming in for a mooring. I see a lot of places along the riverside named something scenic villa and there are a number of different boats with passengers lined up. Everything here is so mellow. A woman washing pots and pans along the river. We slowly approach the shore and Appinesh prepares to jump off a rope in his hand. We are back to the spot where I was the kids playing soccer. We are stopped. This must be where we are for the night.

Rachel says they are scraping the coconut. They are still playing soccer. Rachel tells me they all wanted to get clean at once so they jumped into the lake all at once. She thinks it would be a good idea to get married on one of these house boats. I think that would be a good idea too. There is a gecko on the ceiling. An old man came by and wanted to take us on a canoe ride. It is getting dark. It is almost chilly. I thought it would be best to just pass. But the old man’s eyes were so compelling I could not help but say that it was a possibility if he came back tomorrow that we might consider going on a ride with him. Pee-nay is the way to say maybe in whatever language it is that they speak around here. Apparently I was told that there are so many different languages that are spoken around India it doesn’t really matter if you speak Hindi or English because there are so many different dialects that people speak no one is really going to understand what you are talking about. It is dark now. The soccer players have taken off in their boat. They are truly amphibious. The call to each other across the water. I love the sound of their cheerful voices. I will have to do some kind of physical exercise soon.

It is amusing to me. We paid an extra 1000 rupees to have the luxurious boat with “air conditioning” This means we get to have AC in the evening after we went to bed. Interestingly, however, the AC was turned off at 7:30 in the morning. So we paid 25 bucks for 8 hours of air conditioning. Something like this might have made sense during the summer months when it was not monsoon season, but the rain cools things off and it has not been hot at all. I don’t know why I keep harping on the price of things. I told myself and Rachel for that matter that I would not do that. It makes me feel so petty. We are already on the back of the motorcycle being driven around; I may as well just accept that and move on. I’ll deal with what I have to deal with when I get back home. I have nothing to complain about really. I have enjoyed this boat ride very much. I like the guys who are in charge of the boat. I think they are cool. I’ve had a wonderful time just hanging out and eating and drinking tea and sitting and watching the beautiful scenery and the beautiful people go by. The food has been incredible. I think that part of the problem I have been having is that I just don’t know how to sit back and be ok with enjoying myself. I have to always be doing something. Even now I’m having to write instead of just sitting and drinking tea while the rain comes down on the orange tarp that is covering the front of the house boat. I do think that is a big part of what is going on for me. A big reason for why I have sometimes had a hard time just enjoying myself during this trip of ours. At times I will blame it on certain things like the evils of colonization or exploitation of native peoples, but it is really my own fear of just allowing myself to enjoy what I have while I have it.

There is a pineapple and some little plantains here for the sake of garnish. The pineapple is smelling really good. I love the sound of the rain coming down. I love the way it looks when the rain hits the water. An old man paddles by in a canoe. Apparently umbrella hats are big here. I sit out in front of the tarp that covers the front of the boat, just barely out of reach of the falling water droplets while I sip my tea. Across the river there is another houseboat with the windows open and the curtains drawn back. I can just make out motion. When I look closer I see a couple in the missionary position going at it. I find it so curious that they would be so obvious about it. There are people walking around all over the place who could see them. They can’t not have known. Is the culture? The appeared to be Indian by the color of their skin. If I was watching a porno I would not have been impressed. It is interesting to watch someone else when they are doing their thing. After the money shot the man just got up and left the lady there. I thought that was a little mercenary. But that is just the way we guys are I guess.

Meanwhile the crew are making noises down below. I come to the back of the boat to get some more tea and notice that the floor is up in the back exposing engine and whatever else. Is this normal? I ask the money taker guy who has not been on the entire trip but has shown up now (no doubt to turn of the AC powering generator). Yes, he says, this is something we normally do every morning just to check the boat to make sure everything is ok. But I’m hearing people walking about down below and I know this is not sop. Now here comes Apinesh who is messing around with the controls at the front of the boat shouting down to the crew below. I ask him and Appinesh says there is no problem and I remind myself that it is never as bad as you think it is. So, maybe it is just the thing they always do. I don’t care as long as I get home ok, right? The boat starts up. No worries.

It is really all about the food. Breakfast is a thin egg omelet rolled into an omelet log. Tomatoes, coconut, and onions. I don’t usually care for eggs, but this concoction was divine.

We crawl back into port and just like that it is all over.

Now the fun starts.

Rachel and I head over to an internet café in the middle of nowhere. It is amazing to me. Here we are in a place that seems like the most rural of areas with guys hanging out in front of their run down shacks and variety shops and there is an internet café; the modern world making itself known, imposing itself upon this quiet and charming place. While we are checking our email and whatever Rachel blows up at me. We fight for the next hour or so. I do realize that I have not let her know how much I appreciate all the work she has done to make the trip happen.

The Slum (Its a long one!)

Check out the pictures that go along with this post

The trip to the slum started out with Jeff arguing with the rickshaw driver about the cost of the trip to where we were going for breakfast. He had scheduled a bit of breakfast with one of the men he had been working with for the past month, a man who still lived in the slum he had grown up in.

I don’t know shit about slums, but I was pretty skeptical about the place where we were dropped off. To me it looked like just another big developed street in Bangalore – storefronts and people milling about everywhere. When a man came up and started talking to me I assumed he was just another hustler trying to get something so I just started blowing him off in my generic “I don’t need what you are selling”

Manuhar greeted us warmly and asked us to come into his home. The stained walls and the stacks of old periodicals made it clear that this was the space he had been living in for years, first with his own family and now on his own. The house was 6 feet wide by 8 feet long. Manu said that there were entire families who lived in spaces the size of his. While he and Jeff talked over work related things that had nothing to do with me I decided to step outside and take some pictures. The small alley was actually filled with a number of different folks just hanging out. There was one beautiful girl in a yellow sari whose face was covered in yellow. She didn’t want me to take her picture, not because of any kind of superstition but because I think she was being modest. There were a few people at first who did not want their pictures taken. But at the end of the alley there was a shirtless man who looked to be in his 50s who seemed eager to talk. I was surprised when he turned out to be very well spoken, had excellent English and said he was a financial consultant. Later I found out from Manuhar this man had been one of the earlier organizers of the slum along with Manuhar to demand recognition from the local government and improve the conditions of the community.

Manuhar brought Jeff and I to the top of a 3 story building so that we could survey the slum. I found it very curious that there was a lot of development going on. People were building their plots of land straight up. It was interesting to see, because people only had a very small area to work with and so were building these concrete and cinderblock structures into the sky like some medieval towers. Manu said that construction workers were actually hired to do the building. Interestingly all the houses in the slum looked very solid and well built not at all like the shanty town I was expecting. Although slum dwellers clearly take pride in themselves they are also there because they have no other options. For many of them, when they have the opportunity to leave they do. Manu pointed proudly to a largish 2 story structure – the new public toilet to replace the open sewer which had been used for their business. This was a community intent on improving itself.

Manu explained that, since the population explosion in Bangalore, property values were increasing and that his squat had suddenly become prime real estate. Despite there being a law on the books saying that once people squat on a spot for 8 years they become legal owners of their property, government corruption had resulted in their case for ownership being held up in the courts. The original owner’s new found interest in the area was being left to the whim of local politicians.

After introducing us to his sister and showing us his parent’s home I jokingly asked Manu when we were going to have breakfast (I was actually quite hungry) we walked around the corner down an alley and there was a woman sitting in front of a beat up propane stove frying up some flat bread. This was a scene of the micro economy of the slum: people who for whatever reason could not cook in their own spaces would come to eat at the houses of people who could. Throughout our tour of the slum we would often see people walking about carrying full plates of food. There were a group of women grouped around the woman and her stove, apparently waiting to eat, but they graciously offered to feed Jeff and I. We were completely incapable of saying no. Of course there was a part of me that was concerned about eating food from this environment, but there was such a good feeling that was coming from all of the people there who seemed so happy to see us and so eager to share themselves with us that it seemed like there was no way something bad could come of it. Indeed, after they sat us down on some chairs that seemed to appear from nowhere, the food they gave us was an absolute delight and especially the flat bread was divine. The only glitch was when I was offered a glass of water by one of the women. This seemed to cause a few people some concern and Manu smartly cautioned me to use the water only to wash my hands. I was grateful for the guidance. As elated as I was over the scene I was taking part in I would no doubt have otherwise thrown caution to the wind and regretted it afterwards. Further on in our journey we came across a closet sized space in a person’s home where they were firing up a stove to cook small cakes of the same rice flour used to make the flat bread earlier. There were people sitting in a row waiting for the snacks to be finished. We were offered some but having just eaten offered to come back later.

We continued on, walking through the slums narrow streets. Greeting smiling faces and taking pictures of happy children who were thrilled to see themselves reproduced in my digital camera’s view screen. We walked by shrines to the Virgin Mary done up with a Hindu’s sensibility with colors and flowers, similar, I am told to those in the Philippines. And found out that on Fridays Celtic knot type chalk designs were traditionally drawn in front of people’s doorways.

While our reception was a mixed one, no one expressed the slightest bit of ill will to us. People had different reactions to our cameras as well. While there were a few who seemed to not want to be photographed because of vanity and others who simply couldn’t be bothered, there was one group of women who were eager to have me take a picture of them in front of a large mural of the Madonna and child. Another beautiful young girl practically beat me about the head and shoulders to get me to take a picture of her and a little baby in her care as she carried a plate of food through the alleyways. A few different boys were also very excited to have their picture taken. It felt like they were pretending to be movie stars.

People were incredibly gracious to us. One man who ran one of many vegetable shops in the slum refused to take any money from us after he sliced up an unripe mango for us and then covered it in lime and chili powder for us to have. That I must say was a taste sensation unlike any I have tasted before, tart and hot and oddly refreshing all at the same time. I was literally unsure how to react to it! At one of the snack shops on the outskirts of the village I had the good fortune of tasting the best pakora I have ever had. It was crispy and flavorful and not too greasy. We were also served a delicious cup of Chai tea as a compliment.

A couple of times during our walk we were brought in to peoples houses to see how they live. While there are some spaces that are somewhat sizable there were also a few that were tragically small. Manu insisted we come with him into the home of one woman who was in the middle of cooking some breakfast up on her small propane stove. To get into her house we had to squeeze ourselves down a hallway that must have been no more than a foot and a half wide. Once inside we saw a 6 by 6 space that had to contain a family of five. Another little girl who must have been about 13 insisted we come and check out her place. It had collapsed and the walls were made out of corrugated tin. They couldn’t afford repairs.

Manuhar brought us to the road separating the slum with the rest of the city and introduced us to his aunt who was very sweet. We climbed the stairs to the roof to get a different perspective on the area we had just explored. As we looked over its expanse Manu talked about how he knew every one of the 1200 families who lived there. If a child were to end up somewhere away from their family someone would know who they were and return them to where they belonged. I reflected aloud on the regret I felt at not knowing who my own neighbors are and Manu gave me an encouraging hug. It was a generous gesture which alleviated some of my remorse at being such an apathetic big city kid.

I asked him about the Christian icons I had seen in the slum as we had walked through. Christian missionaries had been converting some of the Hindus which would not be a problem, but apparently they are insisting that the Hindus are “idol worshippers” causing some degree of alienation. Manu seemed sad to relate that people who once would come to visit him would no longer now that they had converted. Interestingly, there were also 4 or 5 Muslim families who lived there who got along well with everyone else.

As we leave the roof at the bottom of the stairs there is Manuhar’s aunt. She intercepts us and insists that we sit down and have some breakfast with her. She is so kind neither Jeff nor I could imagine saying no, despite the meetings and work Jeff has been hinting at all morning. We sit down in one of the two rooms of the apartment and are presented with a delicious meal of rice and veggie gravy topped off with a very sweet and short plantain. The plantains I’m used to are larger than regular bananas.

We finish up and thank Auntie.


Taking an auto-rickshaw to Jeff and Manuhar’s work was as harrowing as is any time one takes to the streets in India. There was one intersection in particular however that I found to be particularly dangerous where there was a single speed bump to regulate the convergence of 6 different two lane roads with every vehicle traveling at speed.

Once we arrived we met with Jeff’s boss and the rest of his co-workers. This was his last day at work and so everyone got together to send him off. It was a very generous moment and I was really impressed with the admiration everyone shared with him and the appreciation he showed to his co-workers. Afterwards the four of us Rachel, Jeff, Veritie, and I were going to go to lunch, but instead one of Jeff’s co-workers, Mercy, offered to make us lunch at her house. She lived nearby and we were shortly at the house she shared with her mother. We were served a meal of Chicken Bryani. While the four of us ate in the main room, for some unknown reason, Mercy and her family ate standing up in the kitchen.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Arrival

I'm in Bangalore. I love it. I am also insanely tired and have to crash before I pass out where I sit. I'll write all about it as soon as I can with pictures.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Hong Kong Airport

I'm in the fucking Hong Kong airport. It is 6 in the morning. I feel like I own the place because there are so few people around. It is pouring down rain outside. I'm in Hong Kong. So how come I feel like I haven't gone anywhere?

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Deh Bubby.




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Time is Broken




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A book on Jean Genet

Greg Giovanni – when I first met Greg it was on the porch of the squat on 49th and Baltimore avenue. The house we affectionatly called Hell Squat. I would say there was a party going on, but the place was always in a state of party so the fact that there were people everywhere drinking and getting high and stupid was nothing unique to that night. He was there with a few friends of his and we got to talking. I think he must have wanted to fuck me. No, I’m sure he was hoping to fuck me, the little queer…But what he said was that he was putting on a bit of underground theater and he needed someone to play Saint Francis of Asissi and didn’t I look just exactly the part with my short cropped hair and my brooding countenance. Our rendevous on the porch began a friendship that has lasted till today and a professional relationship that lasted about 5 years or so.

Greg is brilliant. He has written many plays and is a bit of a legend in the Philly theater scene for his work. He is a gnome of a man, filled with a short man’s energy. There is a bit of a sense that he is always on the stage in the way he presents himself. I chalk this up to being an aquarius. It has never been easy to pry the character away from the soft meat underneath pulsing away with raw and messy emotions. His distinctive nasal laugh gives him away at bars. He likes to play games.

Greg is an addict. He has been trying to manage his relationship to crack for a few years now. It doesn’t help that he lives a few blocks away from government subsidised hi-rise. He points that out to me as we drive by it on our way to Bubs. I pick him up from the house in Germantown where he is renting an apartment. It is a beautiful house with a porch in the front and the back and a spacious backyard. The double front door opens to a cool shaded interior that has the almost musty smell of valhalla and home. It is coforting to be there. The neighborhood is quiet and relaxing. I can feel the atoms of my body calm down as we sit on the porch with the cat and talk about what has been going on in our lives over the years we’ve not seen eachother. When we head up to his room to check out pictures of Paradox on his laptop I am struck at how much he reminds me of Carl in so many ways. Their space is practically identical. The books, the games, the ashtrays filled with cigarettes, the clothes strewn about. It is not just the setting, however, that I find so facinatingly similar. The two are alike in their sensibilities and their manner. It is beyond me to be able to describe just how. I will have to see them together to be able to have that comparison made clear.

Greg and I have a lovely afternoon together. We drive back to Bub’s and have lunch and then drop Mom off at work. Greg wants to visit a Russian strip mall and buy pear soda from the russian supermarket. He loves the soda bottles from Russia. Then I drive him into town and drop him off at the theater where he is performing in a play he describes as terrible. He is a creepy piano teacher. It is the reason he has grown a big bushy mustache and shaved the middle of his head so that he looks, as he describes it, like a stadium. He understands when I turn down his offer to see the show.

I drive to Randall’s house, but he is not picking up his phone. Nebish doesn’t have a phone and so there is no way for me to get in touch with him. I do find some good parking though. I make the decision to try and find a place to hang out in the neighborhood instead of going to a strip club, an option that is always close to the fore of my conciousness. Eventually Rand gets home and we walk down to Krista’s house where I anticipate Nebish may be staying. On the way I take pictures of the neighborhood. Hanging around with Randall makes me feel very artistic. It reminds me of my artistic sensibilities and helps me to believe in their value.

Nebish is at Krista’s and the three of us hang out while we watch some episodes from the sixth season of Oz. I wish I could live in two places at once.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Nebish, Dad, and High School fools

Chillin like a villian with the Nebish down town.

Lets do a very quick recap to be elaborated on at some time in the future.

Our friend Pat invited us to his bar. Now, I ask you, why would a friend invite his broke ass friends to come drink over priced drinks at his snooty hotel bar knowing full well there are bars a plenty with better atmosphere and cooler customers if not to comp his friends some drinks? This is not an unreasonable expectation in my mythos. Needless to say, Pat charged us for drinks then left us high and dry as we waited outside for him to finish his shift. He’s really a much nicer guy than all that though you wouldn’t know it from this scene.

Since the other day when John practically passed out in the heat I’ve been worried about his endurance. The few blocks to the trolley up to West Philly seemed to be a little too much for him. I could see the concentration on his face as we walked down the street. It was good when we finally got to Joe and Patty’s house and we could set him down in front of a fan. It was a good and mellow evening playing Wii sports all night and getting loaded.

The following day I got to see my dad. We had lunch together and chatted a bit. I realized that I actually don’t really like it when he goes off on his lectures. That was fine though, because he only did it once before I stopped him. I can understand though. It is nice to feel like you have something to say that actually matters. He has given me this one before where he reminds me that if you have a special someone there is nothing more important in the world than them. What he seems to foget when he is sharing this bit of wisdom with me is that

a) the woman he is talking about was my step mother.

b) I couldn’t stand the woman.

c) Perhaps most importantly, the sacrifices he is advocating one make for their significant other included my brother and I in his case.

Mental note to self – pay attention to your audience to make sure the science you are imparting to them is actually something they have an interest in.

Still it was cool. There were a couple aw shit moments, like when he told me for the first time that he took some chemistry as an undergrad. I had also stumbled upon chemistry when I first started going to school. At the time it seemed comletely out of the blue, but learning it was also a decision of my father’s freaked me out a bit. Our choices are not made as autonomously as we like to imagine they are.

I also found myself humbled as I asked him for money from school. It is not easy for me to ask for help and I hate having to be concerened about money. I know, how unusual, right? He was pretty cool about it all and definitely didn’t try to make me feel like an idiot, although he had just finished telling me how the stock market (where he has most of his money) was not doing very well.

Later that day I spent some time with some high school friends of mine. One of the core crew has fallen away from the rest of the posse for some very obscure reasons that seem to have to do with his wife not likeing white people (they are african-american). I pulled a Jerry Springer on him and invited him out to Gordon’s house so we could hang out for a drink (Gordon is the guy he has the biggest problem with) when he showed up we all acted as though there was nothing going on, but I could tell something was up. I think we did our best to pretend nothing had changed, but you really can’t go home again. After we went our separate ways I ruminated on how foolish we humans are and how short life is. Friends are so important.

Another important thing that I took away from the scene, though, was that there is nothing we have to do to make things better. It is not that there is nothing we can do to make things better, but that we don’t have to do anhything to make things better. I know I can’t fix things between my friends. But I do know that I can love them and support them and let them know that what they are doing to eachother is a waste of time. These are the only ideas that will ever make a difference. Not being in town there is certainly nothing I can do anyway. But that is irrelevant. People are always only going to do what they want to do. You can give them all the advice you want. You can put them in whatever situation you think is best for them. But when it comes down to it what we need to do for eachother is just to remind how much you mean and how essential you are to our lives.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Upon Departure

Symbiots
Eyes wet with fare thee well
it only hurts when my heart beats
I thank god you're always with me

LAX
if you see a girl who looks like a porn star
she probably is

The phrase
"young lady"
came out of my mouth
unprovoked while asking a badge
for directions

I'm not sure how to deal with this
I think I'm old now. fuck.

Broom pusher Gun swagger
Hub of human liquid
Alice in wonderland
The adven ture comes in
a less than appealing package
don't judge a book by its
by its

it is
it is so lonely to leave a place
But we all leave all scheduled for departure
you say you are always with me
hard to feel bitter and cynical when I'm crying

So full of regrets
There's no where for it to stick to anymore
I just feel
I just

The world offers a blessing
of purple flowers
to herald my leaving LA
complimentary colors
the flowers falling from the tree
onto your parked
broke up ride
bright yellow antiquated

No regret
No regret I insist

Color wheel Steering wheel Dharma wheel

the airport signs look like film rolls
who uses film anymore?

Yellow and purple
waving to one another across the wheel
opposites or compliments?

the frame
the frame defines

and waves ripple out like clouds

I wonder
I wonder if purple cries like I do
reflecting on the easy relationship
of yellow and red
or yellow and blue

a veil of purple flowers crying down
to compliment
not oppose

I honor you
my brother

in gratitude

"he got aids"

On the bus with some young black kids – they couldn’t have been older than 21 they were loud and tattooed and funny as hell. The one girl was yelling about her beautiful firend and how she shouldn’t keep breaking up with her boyfirend cause tey were meant for eachother. Then the girl sitting next to her told her to shut up. I was grinning from ear to ear. The girl asked me “what are you laughing at?”

“I was laughing at im” I pointed to a young man who was enjoying the conversatoin as much as I was and was clearly a friend of the girls.

That got a rise out of everyone. They started picking on him “oh, he got AIDS!” they said. I was shocked at their cavalier attitude. The crew broke out in laughter.

“Hey, that’s not funny!” I shouted. One of his compatriots responded, “he’s tryin to be proud of it”

As I stammered dumbfounded for something to say an absolutely gorgeous girl stood up and started shouting at the top of her lungs about how her gay friend had gotten caught at work giving head to a co-worker. The whole back of the bus broke out in a cacophony of laughter and shouting as the boy attempted in vain to defend himself as we pulled into the bus depot.

I am amazed at what a hard city this town is. Everywhere I see young kids covered in ugly tattoos. Neck tattoos. It is not that hey are harder than anywhere else, but they look it. It is raw here. Ugly exposed.

The dog in the cage.

The dog in the cage.

That is the couch where she sleeps with other guys.

The flys.

These are the things that stand out. In my mind. These are the things that shrink me.

This is the place that prayer is for. The place you get to when you realize that whatever it is you think you could come up with could never be enough to make things better.

He is my best friend. Years don’t matter in this equation. Age doesn’t matter. Neither does percieved experience. We are doomed to be brothers no matter what. This is how I know there is God. Because if there was no God we would have given up on eachother a long time ago.

I don’t ever want to smell that smell again. I don’t ever want there to be a house like that house again. There is, there are, there will be again. And I sit here and write. Wishing I could be more of a man. than I am.

Difficult history

I’m upset with Paradox because he seems to be so half-assed about his career. This was the first time I had a chance to talk to him about what Bub told him about working with Jenna. “Settle down – work with her, she has a business.” I’m so upset just thinking about it. Because he is a fucking sap. He is nostalgic and sentimental and I know that he gives way too much credence to the utterences of this angry frustrated old woman. I’m feeling really frustrated by her. It is so painful to be around her because she is so fucked up and she wants to put her fucked up shit on everyone around her. I hate myself for feeling this way. I want to have compassion for her. I want to sympathize with her, I really do. But she makes it so hard. I don’t want to be infeceted by her hatred and her helplessness. Desperately reaching out to anything and everything to drag it down with her as she inches closer and closer to death. Clawing at everyone in her radius with her gnarled arthritic hands to drag them in to her ossified nightmare. She is so scared of dying. She is trying so hard to come up with whatever excuse she can find to keep herself from that final darkness. Overly harsh I know. I guess being here just brings out some of the most challenging aspects of myself.

She just has to complain about everything and everyone. I know this is something that has been going on for her for many years too. I wonder if it is something that happened once Sol died. I remember thinking she was such a sweet lady and was so nice to me. Maybe I just didn’t mind it becaue I didn’t really care for mom much at the time, so when she was berating her constantly I just took it for granted. I can’t remember now. Fuck.

So, I knew I had to say something to him. There was no doubt better ways for me to go about talking to him about it. It is just being here. I think I should meditate more. I need extra help, because I know that my stress level is definitely increaseing while I’m here.

I’m so distractable. Back to paradox. So we’re talking and I mentioned that I knew Bub had told him that she thought it would be a good idea for him to work with Jenna at her store. I just can’t even think straight really. I acutally think I want to talk to Nethanial about it because if I just keep it bottled up I’m just going to freak out. Maybe I can talk to Johanna. Yea. I want to talk to her anyway.

She is a good friend. Such a good friend. I just got off the phone with Johanna. She is really so good to me. I’m really blessed that I somehow managed to keep her in my life. All the people who have been left behind through the years I’m so glad that she managed to stick around. She just really helped me to calm down. Reminding me of the good stuff.

More Bub

I walk in to Bub’s room. The door is wide open and the air conditioner is on. She is upset because she says she couldn’t sleep last night because it was so hot. I take a closer look and see that the appliance is set to “fan” I tell her that she needs to keep her bedroom door closed and to have the thing set to “cool” In fact I can see where my mother has marked the positions on the dials so that my Grandmother, with her bad eyesight, can see how to set the machine. Obviously this has not had the desired effect. I leave for a few minutes. When I come back, the door is open and she has turned the termostat control down to its lowest (hotest) setting. What are you doing? I ask her. It is too loud she says. I already have too much in my head, this makes me nervose. I don’t need it cold. I thought you said you couldn’t sleep. I slept in the morning. I admonish her to the simple behaviors that will allow her to be semi-comfortable in the oppressive heat that will be coming in the summer months. She responds by telling me that I am just like my mother. She doesn’t like it too cold. She just wants it normal.

Shvouse you’re not allowed to eat meat. Just dairy. This is the month that we left Stasha. Fert is a horse. Took mine sister minah father. Let them all rest in piece already. We went our little city to the plane to go away. To America.

But you went to Cuba.

Yea.

I will never forget it. We used to live in one room. The toilet was on outside. A man would come along once a week to take out the dirt. When my little sister found out from where they make the bread she didn’t want any bread. From what you makin the bread. The flour they taken. Aw shit. That was why my sister didn’t want to eat the bread because she learned the flour was coming from the shit. She found out from where the seeds come from. These seeds they taken the shit from the toilet and from that it comes out the bread. Would you believe she never ate the bread again. I’ll never forget it. She was a girl. She told the doctor you going to hell because of you. He went to the store to get a drink heleft the helpers to do the appendicitis they cut the liver instead of the apendix. They cut the liver. If that was here in america you could get a lottttt of money from them.