Travel journal – Day 4 – May 31, 2008

Bummed. I’m just bummed. I don’t want to be but I am.

I am busy compareing myself to other people in my mind. Comparing myself to myself in the past. Finding myself wanting.

I’m mad that I did not get Mavis Beacon for Paradox. I can still get it while I’m there if I can get internet access.

I’m comparing myself to Paradox. I’m comparing myself to James. I’m thinking that I’m just not a good guy. I know I’m being absurd. I know this is contradicting some of the most fundamental things I want to believe in, and I wonder how it works out that I can believe the things that I do and still think about myself in this way.

One of the things that Carly talked to me about yesterday was the change in confidence she saw in me; seeing me years ago as someone who really believed in himself, who had conviction in the things he stood for. I suppose at the time that was true. I was like that. It was a different time. I was a different person. Hence the comparing of myself to myself.

I’m sick of feeling this way, but I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it.

It feels like everytime that I talk to Rachel I feel like shit. I’m never doing the right things, saying the right things. It is never enough for her. I’m never enough. And the truth is that I don’t know how to combat these feelings because they are all things that I am telling myself about myself.

One thing that has me upset is the arguments we have been having since before she left. It just has me wondering just what the fuck is supposed to be happening. I think I’m starting to get it though.

When we were starting to get more serious about getting married she was very sober and understanding about the idea that I might sleep with other people. I was straightforward with her about where I was coming from and I don’t think that I lied to her about anything that was going to happen. But a few days before she left she started to get very agitated about the idea that I was going to sleep with other people after she left. Really agitated, using what I would describe as emotional blackmail to make me feel like shit.

It has really been hard for me and I’m just starting to realize why that is. It plays on the kinds of insecurities and self doubt and anxieties about myself that I have and exacerbates what is there already.

I’m at Paradox’s. He picked me up from the airport in his grapefruit colored 1962 Ford Futura wearing sunglasses with the playboy logo on them. I immediately thought “oh, shit. My brother has been eaten by los angeles.” But he was the same as ever. I have to admit that I was a little concerned about his car. The advances in safety technology were very obvious to me: no head rest to prevent whiplash, no torso safety belt, and most concerning – a dash with a nice sharp edge. It smelled good though. It smelled like grandfather.

We drove to Venice beach. It was a cool day and windy, but it was nice to walk along the sand and sea. On the way back to the car we walked along the main drag and observed the cacophony that is LA’s Venice beach. After a few beers at a friend’s bar we headed back to his house and cracked some whips. It was a nice day.

Dox is a little down because a friend of his was killed in a gun accident. She was a nice girl who I had known years ago. I can’t even remember the last time I saw her. I feel bad because it really hasn’t meant all that much to me. But Dox takes stuff like this pretty hard. It is funny really. He was just telling me how upset he is that he doesn’t do enough with his life but then went on to pick up his phone and is having a conversation with a friend and talking to him about all the great things he is doing and is involved in.