Monkey Attack! - Malaysia

I love monkeys.

There is something inexplicably fascinating about the way their hands move and manipulate in a way that is undeniably like our own. Watching as the dexterous hands brush hair aside while grooming in a rhythmic pattern is fascinating to me. They are really not as gymnastic as you might thing either. They are really kind of clumsy when you watch them jumping around. It is obvious that they would be just as happy reclining in a monkey lounger watching monkey TV with a Banana daiquiri in their little monkey paw.

One thing that the travel guide said about monkeys was that you are not supposed to look them in the eye or show them your teeth. Either of those things tend to be signs of aggression and the monkey may take it the wrong way. Well, that is not fair! How can you not smile a big toothy smile while hanging out with monkeys!? Right?

Jump to Malaysia. Rachel, Shari and I are at the Batu caves, a massive natural cave that is also a Hindu holy site and, seriously, the only fucking thing to do in Kuala Lumpur besides shop at the gizzillion malls there are in this very westernized city. Shari hires a driver to take us there and show us around. In front of the caves is a 140 foot tall gold statue of the deity the caves are primarily dedicated to. To reach the caves you have to walk up 8 stories worth of steep stairs. Along the stairs we saw a bunch of monkeys playing and watched them for a short time.

Inside the cave was incredibly disappointing. While the vaulted ceiling was impressive and the limestone formations aesthetically pleasing, the cave actually only went back a few hundred feet. Altogether, we could travel the entire area of the space in 5 minutes once we actually climbed the stairs to it.

Oh, but did I mention there were MONKEYS!

There were monkeys everywhere. They were shameless as well. I watched as a mature male intimidated a group of Japanese tourists into dropping their coconut drink in fear and then sit contentedly and eat it as they watched from a distance. Ha! I thought. Silly Japanese tourists.

So, after it becomes clear there is nothing to do except to watch monkeys in this big cave I step up to recline back on a concrete rail. Along the rail about 4 feet away sits a mama and baby monkey. They look up to the ceiling. So I look up to the ceiling too. "What are we looking at?" As I'm standing there, leaning up against the rail I feel a tap on my shoulder. I look over my shoulder and there is the monkey who scared the Japanese tourists about 6 inches away from my face staring right into my eyes with his mouth wide open bearing his massive fangs and his hands waving over his head!!! Then I do the exact wrong thing.

I guess when it comes down to it, we are not really that far from our monkey friends. At least I behaved like an animal when I was confronted by an angry monkey who wanted to bite my face off. I jumped back got into a kung fu stance and STARED DIRECTLY INTO HIS BEADY LITTLE MONKEY EYES WHILE BEARING MY TEETH! Not surprisingly my new friend did not take well to that. He jumped off the railing onto the ground and started to advance quickly towards me while I backed off, shuffling my feet to maintain our distance. Then the monkey turns on my sister who runs away screaming. I take the opportunity to back away and calm down. Everything is fine as he jumps back to the railing to assert protection of his little monkey family.

I realize he must have thought I was muscling in on his territory and thought he would show me who was boss. With those massive fangs, as cute as Mrs. Monkey was, he can have her!