Rain down on me.

It's been raining a lot lately. The rain just keeps coming and coming.

I want to believe that it is up to me to decide what/how I'm going to feel. The idea that my moods might be determined in some way is abhorrent to me.

But my mood right now is well reflected in the rain and the cold tonight.

All I keep coming back to is that I have no idea at all who I am or where I am going. When I do think I know what is going on with me I don't think very highly of the person I see in the mirror.

Today I found out that I won't be teaching anymore at this non-profit where I had the good fortune to pick up some gigs last month. It was great to get a bit of money coming in for a change and hopefully now that I made a couple extra bucks I'll be able to get through the semester in less desperate straights then in the winter. But it was really hard to find out that I had been rejected.

The worst thing is that I used to think that I was a good teacher. But I guess I was either wrong or something has changed since the last time I did this kind of thing. I suppose I was out of practice. I shouldn't be surprised really. The applications I was teaching have changed a lot since I was really involved in this kind of thing years ago.

God, I just feel so fucking off my game. It sucks. I have no idea what the fuck is going on but I have no self confidence at all. It sucks.

Even this blog sucks. Fuck.