The Treadmill

I'm really looking for some support from the universe today. I am just feeling super shitty right now. But here's the funny thing about that: it just doesn't even seem like it is based on anything in particular. There is no real reason for me to be feeling shitty about me. I know I have all the love there is just waiting right there on the other side of that horizon. But there is a veil that hangs over me. This is the Treadmill.

As I take the time to look back over my life I see that there are some pretty regular patterns of behavior that happen over and over and over again. These are the major events; relationships starting and ending for example. So it is interesting to see the way these obvious things ebb and flow. It is also interesting to see the way that feelings and self-assessments come and go. This recognition of these patterns along with this feeling of my feelings not having a whole lot of relevance to the world that is taking place around me makes me feel like I'm on some kind of a life tread mill, where I'm just running in place and not really getting anywhere. The faces change but the story stays the same.

I wonder if you have ever felt that way and if it means anything to you. Like: what do I even do with something like that? Does any of it really matter after all when you are really just going through the motions? Acting out some script that was written for you by your ancestors a million years ago as they rose out of the primordial ooze. Are we anything else besides our patterns reoccurring? If we are why should anyone even care?

Like spinning plates, the momentum of these thoughts keep them hovering in my mind with treadmill persistence.