the blacktop

I will break your heart my love
I am a feral jackrabbit
staring down the onrushing headlights wild eyed
In desperation I will leap at any opportunity that seems to provide a way out
I wait in fear
Until impulse moves me to fearlessness
I won’t be tamed, crushed, or quenched
by the status quo I desperately crave
but will never posess.
Aware of the futility of my request
I admonish you to refocus the dear love you’ve bestowed upon me in error
upon some less foolish beast
who might properly honor you
as you so rightly deserve.

Afghanistan Afghanistan Afghanistan Afghanistan

The pathetic laughable state of our national discourse was on full display on the respectable-serious Washington Journal on C-Span Sunday morning. The final guest on the show was the esteemed president of the Nixon Center, Dimitri Simes who argued for more troops in Afghanistan while repeatedly justifying it by invoking the usual suspects of Al-Qaeda, the Taliban and 9/11. Not surprisingly the host of WJ did nothing to challenge any of the assumptions being made my Mr. Simes, instead accepting the premise that military action in Afghanistan is justified because of the WTC attack.
My friends: this is a big lie.
Each of the reasons they give for a continued US presence in Afghanistan are shown to be completely false. Early this year, the head of US Central Command, General Petreaus clearly stated that Al-Qaeda was no longer operating in Afghanistan. This despite the fact that Taliban has had control of the vast majority of the country for some time. If war hawks like Mr. Simes are concerned about the country from which the 9/11 attacks issued from, then when can we expect a similar fervor for an attack on Saudi Arabia, the country the 9/11 terrorists were from. There are three very specific reasons which are given as justification for the continued US occupation of Afghanistan, each one of those reasons can easily be shown to have little, if no, significance, and certainly do not warrant the continued expenditure of hundreds of billions of dollars, the lives of innocent civilians, or the lives of US soldiers.
It is immoral to continue to spend resources on a pointless war while there are people starving, undereducated, unemployed, and in need of health care at home and around the world. Every bomb needs to become a school, every gun transformed into a box of food.

Laura lost at love fest.

On my way home from GG park I decided I would stop by my favorite cheese steak shop to get on of their delicious seitan cheese sandwiches. I was a little disappointed by this one because they had over toasted the roll, making it too crunchy. It may have been stale, which was something I did not consider at the time. When I got up to leave it was very windy and cold. I was not particularly looking forward to the ride home. Outside of the shop I had to make the decision if I would take the left or the right hand path to get home. I chose the left, figuring it would be the fastest and easiest way to go.

On my way I noticed a few stragglers from the love parade. There was a girl in a flowing bright orange piece of fabric that barely covered her in the wind stumbling around. I wonder if she knows where she’s going, I thought to myself. I had already seen a number of very wasted folks today. All of them women to my recollection. A few blocks farther along I noticed a lone girl dressed in blue hot pants high heels and not much stumbling along the side walk. I casually checked her out, not only because she was hot but because it was really cold and she was wearing almost nothing. She was crying. I stopped and got off my bike.

“Are you ok? Is something wrong?”

She wasn’t ok. She had gotten separated from her boyfriend by some sick twist of fate and ended up lost and alone in a strange city far from where she should have been. Laura was from out of town and did not know the city at all. Obviously. She was literally 45 minutes away from where she had started at Love Fest and was walking in the wrong direction. She had no money and didn’t know anyone to call in the city besides her boy friend who was not returning her phone calls. She was fucked.

So I turned her around and we walked back to the bus I thought would be a good one for her to take to get where she needed to go. I gave her my hoodie because it was cold. While we walked I have to admit I felt like I was in a movie. I thought things I’m not proud of. I thought of the movie House of Games and of con men and being taken advantage of. But I didn’t let it get the best of me. Laura said her she had been on a float her boyfriend had made along with his friends but that she had been kicked off because she didn’t have the right armband to allow her to go where it was going. She got separated from her boyfriend and all her money and put on a bus away from the festival. Then she just started walking.

We walked back to where I had had my cheese steak. The bus was right there. I tried to give her some money but she refused. I took back my hoodie just before she got on the bus.

I wish I had done more for her. It was curious because, although she was a total babe dressed in practically nothing I didn’t feel at all sexual with her. I just felt terrible that she had been put in such a crappy position and I wanted to help her as best I could.

Just cause you feel it doesn't mean its real.

The past few days have been tough. I’ve been spending a lot of time and emotional energy talking Paradox down off of an emotional cliff. His Big Deal relationship has collapsed like a house of tarot cards and it has got me thinking about the connection between emotions and actions.
Emotions. Feelings. Gut reactions. These experiences we have are so vague and ambiguous and yet we have enshrined them as though they are something transcendent. Love, fear, self-esteem...feelings arise in us all the time and we are constantly attempting to respond to them. But why? Why do we have to act on feelings of love or of anger? Why do we think we know the appropriate way to deal with feelings? Why would we know? Feelings do not come with instructions. There are no rules to feelings or paths to follow. Despite this, we act on our feelings regularly as though they were specific commands from an authority which demanded compliance from us. We start wars, end friendships, ruin families all in an attempt to fulfill the imperative we seem to believe our feelings represent to us.
But when do we ask why? When do we pause to consider the validity of such behaviors? When do we assess the functionality of emotions? When did we get it into our heads that a) emotions demand a response and b) we know what that response should be. The truth is we have no idea. No idea at all as to why we feel the way we do and we have even less reason to believe that we know what those feelings demand from us. Despite this most people would consider it to be absurd to even question this kind of reasoning. Emotions are different. A rational approach to them is irrational. Right. But what if you didn’t have to do anything at all if you felt something?
What I propose is not to ignore your feelings, but to accept them. To observe them and allow them to move through you. Instead of responding to your feelings with actions, respond to your feelings with observation. Experience them as they manifest inside yourself.
My good friend Maeve pointed out that emotions are a vital element of decision-making, but that they work in tandem with rationality. Consider that there are effectively an infinite number of considerations we could analyze regarding the most trivial of decisions. While it is important to be able to rationally organize our thoughts and orient ourselves to our world, it is equally important to be able to end the evaluation process and come to a decision so that we can work through our lives smoothly. Maeve posited that it is our emotions which allow us to break off analysis and move on to next steps. If effect we have to be able to feel out when the right time to stop thinking about things and make a decision.
Even for me now I realize it is time for me to go to bed. I really would like to go more in depth with this little thought of mine on the utility of emotions, but I have to take into account that I have to get up early, and that if I don’t post this now I will probably not post it at all. So despite its lack of perfection I will make the decision to end and post.
Remember Tom York’s words, “just cause you feel it doesn’t mean its there” Although we may believe our emotions demand a response from us the truth is they don’t.

Something to prove

I have been thinking about how boring I am lately. I just don't feel as though I extend myself in the way that I feel was characteristic of me in the past. I don't think I'm taking the kinds of chances I would have before. But I've realized that is ok. I think it is really an issue of recognizing your boundaries. After years of taking chances and pushing my boundaries I feel that maybe I've come to appreciate that I don't really have to prove to myself that I am willing to take a chance. I guess I just don't think I have anything to prove.

I've fucked up enough, I don't need to keep fucking up. I think it is cool to actually learn from your mistakes instead of repeating them. What a concept, huh?

Chalk up another one.

Another good. day. I'm wondering if I can maybe string enough together my body will transmogrify into rays of light. I have a pretty good feeling about this plan.

I started out by going to school to check out this informal discussion group that was going on with some local diplomats. A friend of mine who was working at the Irish consulate recommended me for an internship there this summer. I did well enough at the first interview I was invited to a second. The second interview was very interesting but not as fun as the first which had been held at one of the cooler bars in San Francisco, a former speakeasy from prohibition times. When your future boss is buying you beers at your first interview, you know you're on to something good...Anyhoo...

So the round table discussion was actually really very interesting. It was super cool to be around people who actually made or influenced decisions which in turn influenced millions of people's lives. Listening to them talk I was fascinated by the social nature of international relations; "Most of the decisions get made after office hours" Yet the lack of attention sociological approaches to politics get from the actual politicians themselves.

Post-meeting I spent a couple hours in the library working on my endless paper. I did get a little writing done which contributed to my good day, but I also got to hang out with some great classmates in the process. So even though I didn't get as much done "practically" as I feel like I should have, it was enough that I could get any feelings of guilt out of the way!

I left the library for Chinatown. My friend Mark decided to come out to my Kung Fu studio to do some punching and kicking. It was a good man-date. I was really surprised how wussy he was!

See, Mark is kind of a dick. He is tall, smart, and young and he is always giving me shit about how old I am. He is also a bouncer at a club. So, I mistakenly thought he would have skills, imagining that he was backing up his ball-busting with some substance.

But I was wrong. Fucker couldn't punch his way out of a paper bag! Ha!

Not to get too much into it, but he lacks flexibility and he needs to relax to get power into his punches. End of jock talk.

After I caught the surprise in his eyes once I had him hold the pads for me and did some punching and kicking (150 pounds of dynamite, motherfucker!!) I realized, to my surprise, that he had been giving me shit because he was impressed with me. To his credit, he said as much after we finished up. I happen to hold Mark in some esteem, and so I was very touched by this.

Networking, schoolwork, and sweating out of the way, I walked a couple blocks to where Johanna was performing her second night ever of stand up. It was great. But there was a tinge of sadness to it all. See, as soon as I met up with Jo, I could tell she was on fire. She was riffing off of everything, and she was in a really good mood, which was a welcome change, because she has been having some really hard times lately. This is how I knew she would not do well on stage.

Again, not to get into too much detail, but she tightened up as soon as she got on stage. She was so on top of things and energized before she went up she thought she could just wing it. But you have to have a structure to wing off of. She still got enough laughs to make it worth while, and I'm completely proud of her, so I don't want to give the wrong impression. We did have a great time though and we did get loaded on cheap bourbon.

It was a good day. I'm glad I could share it with you.

just a saturday

This morning I went to kung fu class for the first time in a long time. It has been a while. I feel really out of shape. I feel like I have really been neglecting my practice.

I had a really great time because I got to work a little with the kids and I got to work out a little and sweat too which feels so good. The kids are just so adorable. They make my teacher so mad sometimes. He asked me specifically to help out because there are about 15 of them now and I think it can really get overwhelming for him sometimes. Sifu also called on me to do some demo with him. That is always fun.