hiding

I noticed Rachel's blog title in my list of blogs I follow in the left column of this page. Back in December when things first exploded in my face she pretty quickly locked it down so that only people she authorized could read it. I was shut out of her life in every way, the blog was just a metaphor for what was going on in the real world, but I remember how much it hurt to know I was no longer a party to her life her thoughts.

Like so much of what has happened between the two of us over the past year her treatment of me reflects something that I did to her in the past. She and I were in Thailand visiting my friend Maeve and while we were all sitting around at a restaurant in the arab quarter I mentioned that I had a blog I was writing. She became very upset with me that I didn't want her to read it. At the time I thought it was ridiculous for her to be so insistent and to get as upset as she did. Why couldn't she just see that I wanted my privacy? Years before she had read something I wrote on my MySpace blog that had devastated her and I just didn't want to run the risk of that happening again. I thought I was doing it for her.

But I see now. I see what it was that she felt. I know now why it hurt her and how she just wanted to be more a part of my life. It was a way for her to know me, to be with me in a way. It felt like being shut out. It felt like worry; that there were things going on with me she shouldn't see. How can you build intimacy with someone if you act to undermine trust? It can't work. There were so many of these little things that happened over the course of our time together, like termites boring through the foundation of a house so that it seemed fine until it collapsed in on itself.

I am sorry I hid my blog from her.