The mornings are the worst.

I can't remember them, but I think I must have bad dreams pretty much every night because I can't sleep very well. Once I wake up I start in on thoughts about Rachel. They're never good. It has been this way since the beginning of the year.

Today I'm trying to convince myself that there wasn't ever anything there, that I really just made all this shit up and I'm not losing anything by not having her in my life anymore. I guess it should make this easier, but it just feels like thinking that way is making me colder.

But maybe I'm just shutting down emotionally because there isn't anything else to do. I've been so brutalized for so long I need to shut down to keep myself from being hurt over and over and over again.

Regardless, I have to start taking care of myself. I am really. It isn't accurate to say I haven't been. I think I just look at the big picture when I say something like that. That chasing after Rachel and not setting myself up in a career are ways I haven't taken care of myself. Now it is time for me to take care of myself in the sense that I have to get my life back on a positive trajectory where I can build on self esteem and confidence and start to depend on myself again.

In the interim I'm taking care of myself though. I'm trying to do some physical activity, I'm trying to spend time with friends. I'm not isolated at Bub's for the most part. That would certainly make me crazy. But I'm taking small steps towards recovery.

I feel depressed today though; closed off from myself and lacking motivation. I'm going to be ok though.