razor blades

I know I need to move on from Rachel, but I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about the horrible things that she said to me. Things that you should never say to someone you care about. There are things you can say to someone that are like razorblades digging deep into your flesh. She said many of those things to me.

One thing she told me, at the very end, was that she had tried to get pregnant with Frenchie. It is incredible that when you think you have been brought so low you can't go any further, that your heart can be broken even more. My heart felt so shattered to that point, but when I heard that I was taken to new limits of pain.

She had given herself over to this man so completely that she wanted to have a kid with him. I had felt as though she had abandoned me already, knowing what I had already, but now I understand that she is still in love with him. That is what this has been about. She wont admit it to me. She says she is over him, but I know better. I was shut out of her heart. I had probably been shut out long long before that, but till now, absurd as it seems, I had still held on to the belief that there was some hope of her returning to me.

But how do you come back from something like that? The thought gouges me, rends my flesh, severs my muscle, obliterates my sense of self. To know that she wanted him so much she was willing to have his child. To know that she was so ready to shut me out forever from her life. I have to bear this burden. I have to move forward in my life with this weight. I don't know how. I don't know how to love someone with all my heart and know they've done this. I just have to. There isn't another option.