believe.

"I miss you."

"You can't say that I'm hardening my heart against you."

That was the first time I had heard from her in almost a week. I've been getting a lot of reflection from my friends helping me to see how fucked up things have become with Rachel. Trying to convince myself that she has treated me poorly and will continue to. But I still believe there is something there worth saving. I don't know how to explain it. I may be completely wrong. I probably am. But I still believe. I tried to fight that belief.

I made the assumption that she was calling just because she was lonely and not because she wanted to be with me. So I lashed out and told her I wouldn't let her break my heart again. Then topped it off today by telling her I wanted her to file for divorce.

But here is the thing. I don't want her to.

She was mad. She wrote that I should hire a lawyer. I had to call. I wanted to know if she was planning on suing me. I suppose I could have just let it go. She was upset with me. She had missed me, thought about coming back to me. My freaking out on her had turned her feelings around. Now she wanted to be done with me. We talked for an hour while I tried to calm her down. We agreed to see each other tomorrow.

There was a lot in that conversation that should convince me to leave it be. A lot. But I've never been so sure of the way I feel about someone. I do believe that what we have will work if we just give it a chance. It sounds strange, but I feel like in 6 years we never really gave it a chance. I saw things over this past 6 months that has convinced me there is something special we have together. I believe if I can just get Rachel to let it show itself to her this is going to work well. Really well.

I may be dreaming. I think most of the people I know who know about this think I am a fool and need to start taking care of myself by walking away from her. But I am stubborn. I think we have something really beautiful to share with each other.

Vicky told me that you bring to yourself what you offer the world. When I offered Rachel divorce and rejection it was what I received. I don't want either of those things. So I propose to offer love and acceptance and pray it comes back to me.