What would I teach if I could chuck wood?

I think I finally figured out why it isn't a good idea to sleep with someone on the first date.

I've never really cared about what people thought of me and I haven't ever thought much of the idea holding off for that purpose. I just figured: if you feel it you feel it. And there was a time when it didn't matter to me; I could give myself to someone very honestly and be able to pull away when I had to without worrying about the consequences. But I don't feel that way anymore and it hurts.

I met a girl. We fucked like porn stars and it was good for a little less than a week. To my eyes she seemed like she would be a perfect partner for me in a lot of ways. I was so thrilled to have someone feel something for me, so excited to feel wanted again after more than a year of loving someone who didn't want me anymore, that I fell for this girl. I found myself thrown into a tail spin as soon as things didn't seem like they were working out. She was dissatisfied with me. I had done something to offend her. She was hostile. The feelings that had me feeling so fantastic were withdrawn in what seemed like and instant and I was falling back down that black hole again. Whirling and spinning into the darkness of self doubt and low self esteem.

I realized that it wasn't my fault I had fallen for this woman despite it becoming crystal clear after just a couple weeks that we weren't right for each other. I had used our physical connection (which was undeniably smokin' hot) as an indication of some kind of deeper bond. It drew together the disparate elements of her life which seemed as though they should, in theory, mark her as someone I would get along great with. But it was a fiction, as I found out. I had fooled myself into believing there was something there when there wasn't and in my love deprived state I was desperate to keep my mouth placed firm and unmoving on that font of sweet nectar. But, as seems to happen always, as we reach out to tighten our grip on that which we think we want, it flies away that much farther that much faster and is gone.

I understand now that in the state I'm in the last thing I need to do is to sleep with someone I barely know just because there is a sexual connection because it is very likely I'll extrapolate from imperfect information and set myself up to be hurt by someone I don't really know. For many, I know, this is self-evident; an understanding that has been commonplace to them for as long as they can remember. But, for me, this is news. It is a revelation and in no small part because I'm not the person I once was. No longer callous and arrogant, but aware of my mortality and vulnerability.

A broken heart hurts. That is all. You may go about your business now.