Reading a book

Every day I feel like I realize something new about what happened over the past 5 years. It is like I'm reading a book from start to finish. My relationship with Rachel gets clearer and clearer every day. Today I found out she had blocked me out of FB. But I didn't cry this morning. I was sad. And I was thinking a lot about her. But I didn't break down. That is a good thing. I know I'm going to be ok. Thanks to my friends for helping me get there.

It is time for me to move on, but I can't

I just had the idea to check out Rachel's blog. I thought I would check in on her to find out what she was thinking, since she isn't talking to me anymore. But she has protected her blogs. only people who are invited are allowed in. She's shut me out everywhere. But the only place that matters is her heart. And I believe it is there from which I have been truly excluded.

My survival instinct is beginning to kick in. I'm starting to realize this longing is just beating my head against a wall. I need to take care of myself. I know that. But, I am not willing to let her go. I told her today I will wear my wedding ring until I receive the divorce papers. I just want to feel strong again. I want to be me again.