A practical ending.

I had a sobering realization this morning.

I was thinking about this dark funk I've been going through and realizing viscerally that it is my way of holding on to Rachel.

Most of the time we were together I was feeling like shit about myself. I was filled with self-doubt and recrimination because I was never happy about the way I was with her. But what would happen is that she would always pull me out of that. She would be there for me letting me know she loved me and that I was ok, that things would be ok. She kept us together over the years because she wouldn't give up on the two of us.

Now that she is out of my life I find myself back in those dark sad places where I am beating myself up for not being good enough and I'm reaching out in desperation for consolation that simply isn't there any more. That was what we did. That was how we were together. Now it is time for me to be able to give that to myself. I see now how I have to be strong for me. How letting go of my broken relationship means letting go of my attachment to these negative feelings about myself. How letting go of Rachel also means not looking to others for my sense of self worth. I see that my readiness to give over to these feelings of crapitude are a way of holding on to the brokeness of what we had and a way of reaching out to her.

One of the things I find interesting about this is its practical application. That letting go of that relationship also means letting go of fucked up feelings about myself. I hope this context will help me be clear with myself about how to move forward.

Love to you.